After reading my previous 2 post, I realize that I have only written about my negative feelings associated with becoming pregnant. This really doesn't represent my full range of emotions. So, this post is to celebrate all the wonderful things that I am experiencing now and am looking forward to experiencing very soon.
First of all, we saw our baby this week. That was pretty crazy! There is only 1 in there (my husband thanked all the gods for that blessing. I was secretly hoping for twins or triplets, just to see the color drain from his face. Cruel, I know.) It was truly amazing to see raspberry's heartbeat (that is what we are calling him/her these days) flickering on the screen. The doctor told us that raspberry looks just beautiful and perfect. Our sonogram picture is, well, a blurry blob. Really not distinguishable at all. But Josh and I think we made out the beginning bumps of raspberry's profile. It is reassuring to know that our raspberry is indeed in there and doing well--actually "beautiful and perfect" to be precise.
Another fantastic part of being newly pregnant is telling my friends and family. Most of them know how excited (perhaps anxious is a better word) I have been about becoming a mom. It is amazing when you can actually hear someone grinning over the phone. One friend nearly started crying with excitement (she is pregnant, too, so we may chalk this up to hormones, but I will take it). Many of my friends are becoming moms or are new moms themselves. And like with anything that is new, it is helpful to have others on the journey with you. One of my favorite reactions was my sister-in-law, Danielle, who squealed upon hearing the news.
Lastly, the pregnancy has brought me closer to my husband, Josh. We were already a great team to begin with, so it has surprised me how much closer I feel to him now. I love that we are doing this together and that he is becoming more and more invested and excited about it as the days go on. I am looking forward to actually parenting the baby with him. That will be a challenge that I know will make our relationship thrive.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
The Lull
I'm about 7 weeks pregnant, right now. Haven't had a doctor's appointment yet. I'm getting all my information from websites like babycenter.com and whattoexpect.com. Being a person who enjoys research, I can't get enough information--which I think it becoming an unhealthy habit in this case.
I'm having 2 distinct feelings right now: detached and (I hate to say it) resentful. I bet that most ladies have this feeling of detachment during this phase of their pregnancy. I haven't seen or heard the baby (hopefully, he/she is there). The facts about the baby's development are interesting and I love sharing them with my husband--"he's the size of a blueberry right now!" Yet, I approach this information with a sense of skepticism. I mean, other than occasional episodes with morning sickness and the need for a larger sports bra, there is really no proof that all of this is happening inside my body.
My second feeling stems from a variety of sources:
1) no drinking or smoking while watching my husband/friends/family live it up.
2) the pressure to make healthy choices with my food.
3) knowing that there is not be even 1 day in the next 9 months--more likely 18 years--that I will get relief from these "mommy requirements".
I already feel guilty admitting that I feel resentful (this feeling of guilt comes from 13 years of Catholic education, my natural tendency towards perfectionism, and the blogs and books that glorify the joys of pregnancy and motherhood). I have become surprising honest with my feelings; this is thanks to my wonderfully supportive husband who never judges me and encourages me to express what I am really feeling. Thank you, babe! I know that others might judge me for feeling this way or even try to talk me out of it ("motherhood will change you" or
"you are doing this for your baby"). Maybe things will change when I see/hear the baby or when I hold him/her in my arms. But for now, I want to embrace what I am feeling and be honest with it. It's the best way for ME to deal with it.
The most annoying thing is that the above sources all feed off of one another. I always thought that the trade-off for giving up drinking/fun times would be the license to eat whatever I wanted. Not true.
For instance, on Wednesday, Josh and a friend came home early from work and were hanging out with a cocktail. I was annoyed, and Josh sensed it. OK. I can't drink. I get it. Fine. I will do it for the baby. This time period is really the only time when I-and only I-will be able to protect my baby (this feeds into my controlling nature--that comes from being the oldest of 4). Then, on Thursday, I was craving nothing but the frozen pizza with the alarming fat content that was sitting in our fridge. I flash to the pregnancy books I have been reading which advise (wisely, I suppose) that even though you are craving unhealthy food, what you are really craving are the nutrients in that food. The end game is that you should make a healthy choice that suits the craving (i.e. milk/yogurt rather than a gallon of ice cream). Next, I think over that day's menu: cereal (expelled thanks to baby), 1/2 English muffin, 3 pretzels, luna bar, McDonalds frappe, 3 chicken strips, and medium fries. No veggies or fruits today!! I'm thinking about the baby and the baby books/websites with a feeling that I really should be doing the best I can for the helpless thing in my belly who is forming his/her toes and fingers as we speak (this is just mental imagery, I don't know that it is really happening). I ate a salad.
But I think I might have that frozen pizza for lunch today. The cycle begins again.
I'm having 2 distinct feelings right now: detached and (I hate to say it) resentful. I bet that most ladies have this feeling of detachment during this phase of their pregnancy. I haven't seen or heard the baby (hopefully, he/she is there). The facts about the baby's development are interesting and I love sharing them with my husband--"he's the size of a blueberry right now!" Yet, I approach this information with a sense of skepticism. I mean, other than occasional episodes with morning sickness and the need for a larger sports bra, there is really no proof that all of this is happening inside my body.
My second feeling stems from a variety of sources:
1) no drinking or smoking while watching my husband/friends/family live it up.
2) the pressure to make healthy choices with my food.
3) knowing that there is not be even 1 day in the next 9 months--more likely 18 years--that I will get relief from these "mommy requirements".
I already feel guilty admitting that I feel resentful (this feeling of guilt comes from 13 years of Catholic education, my natural tendency towards perfectionism, and the blogs and books that glorify the joys of pregnancy and motherhood). I have become surprising honest with my feelings; this is thanks to my wonderfully supportive husband who never judges me and encourages me to express what I am really feeling. Thank you, babe! I know that others might judge me for feeling this way or even try to talk me out of it ("motherhood will change you" or
"you are doing this for your baby"). Maybe things will change when I see/hear the baby or when I hold him/her in my arms. But for now, I want to embrace what I am feeling and be honest with it. It's the best way for ME to deal with it.
The most annoying thing is that the above sources all feed off of one another. I always thought that the trade-off for giving up drinking/fun times would be the license to eat whatever I wanted. Not true.
For instance, on Wednesday, Josh and a friend came home early from work and were hanging out with a cocktail. I was annoyed, and Josh sensed it. OK. I can't drink. I get it. Fine. I will do it for the baby. This time period is really the only time when I-and only I-will be able to protect my baby (this feeds into my controlling nature--that comes from being the oldest of 4). Then, on Thursday, I was craving nothing but the frozen pizza with the alarming fat content that was sitting in our fridge. I flash to the pregnancy books I have been reading which advise (wisely, I suppose) that even though you are craving unhealthy food, what you are really craving are the nutrients in that food. The end game is that you should make a healthy choice that suits the craving (i.e. milk/yogurt rather than a gallon of ice cream). Next, I think over that day's menu: cereal (expelled thanks to baby), 1/2 English muffin, 3 pretzels, luna bar, McDonalds frappe, 3 chicken strips, and medium fries. No veggies or fruits today!! I'm thinking about the baby and the baby books/websites with a feeling that I really should be doing the best I can for the helpless thing in my belly who is forming his/her toes and fingers as we speak (this is just mental imagery, I don't know that it is really happening). I ate a salad.
But I think I might have that frozen pizza for lunch today. The cycle begins again.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Am I Ready for This?
The fateful day was July 8th, a normal Thursday summer afternoon. I had just finished babysitting and was feeling really exhausted. I chalked this up to how much work caring for two young children can be (let me pause here to praise all stay-at-home mothers/fathers who do this each and everyday. You rock!). Not wanting to be such an eager beaver about taking the most life-changing test anyone will ever take, I decided to put off my own "examination" until I just couldn't ignore the warning signs. Josh would be leaving for a long weekend away on Friday morning, and I knew that I would not have wanted to wait until Monday.
Here I go, all alone in our guest bathroom. I walked away to snuggle with our doggie, Piper, and to check on our new kitty, Petey. I had been so disappointed with the results of prior tests, so I played this mental game with myself: If I don't care about the results, if I put it off to the last minute, if I walk away and do my normal routine, then maybe the results (positive or negative) won't matter. This is a silly notion, though. Because I know that it is not these actions that will give the test those two lines. It is more of a self-defense mechanism. Anyone who has tried to get pregnant, whether they've tried for 1 month or 3 years, will understand why I did what I did.
Casually, I realize that 5 minutes had past and that I should return to the bathroom to check on the test. TWO LINES!! I cannot recall my exact thought process, but I am sure that it was a combination of a few emotions--85% giddyness, 5% reflief, 10% dread. Am I ready for this? I had imagined what this moment would be like many times over. Dread and anxiety was never part of the imaginary scenario. I suppose because it was just that imaginary, pretend. Now it is the real thing.
I am ready for this. I think I have to be, at this point. Right?
Here I go, all alone in our guest bathroom. I walked away to snuggle with our doggie, Piper, and to check on our new kitty, Petey. I had been so disappointed with the results of prior tests, so I played this mental game with myself: If I don't care about the results, if I put it off to the last minute, if I walk away and do my normal routine, then maybe the results (positive or negative) won't matter. This is a silly notion, though. Because I know that it is not these actions that will give the test those two lines. It is more of a self-defense mechanism. Anyone who has tried to get pregnant, whether they've tried for 1 month or 3 years, will understand why I did what I did.
Casually, I realize that 5 minutes had past and that I should return to the bathroom to check on the test. TWO LINES!! I cannot recall my exact thought process, but I am sure that it was a combination of a few emotions--85% giddyness, 5% reflief, 10% dread. Am I ready for this? I had imagined what this moment would be like many times over. Dread and anxiety was never part of the imaginary scenario. I suppose because it was just that imaginary, pretend. Now it is the real thing.
I am ready for this. I think I have to be, at this point. Right?
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