The Lull

I'm about 7 weeks pregnant, right now. Haven't had a doctor's appointment yet. I'm getting all my information from websites like babycenter.com and whattoexpect.com. Being a person who enjoys research, I can't get enough information--which I think it becoming an unhealthy habit in this case.

I'm having 2 distinct feelings right now: detached and (I hate to say it) resentful. I bet that most ladies have this feeling of detachment during this phase of their pregnancy. I haven't seen or heard the baby (hopefully, he/she is there). The facts about the baby's development are interesting and I love sharing them with my husband--"he's the size of a blueberry right now!" Yet, I approach this information with a sense of skepticism. I mean, other than occasional episodes with morning sickness and the need for a larger sports bra, there is really no proof that all of this is happening inside my body.

My second feeling stems from a variety of sources:
1) no drinking or smoking while watching my husband/friends/family live it up.
2) the pressure to make healthy choices with my food.
3) knowing that there is not be even 1 day in the next 9 months--more likely 18 years--that I will get relief from these "mommy requirements".

I already feel guilty admitting that I feel resentful (this feeling of guilt comes from 13 years of Catholic education, my natural tendency towards perfectionism, and the blogs and books that glorify the joys of pregnancy and motherhood). I have become surprising honest with my feelings; this is thanks to my wonderfully supportive husband who never judges me and encourages me to express what I am really feeling. Thank you, babe! I know that others might judge me for feeling this way or even try to talk me out of it ("motherhood will change you" or
"you are doing this for your baby"). Maybe things will change when I see/hear the baby or when I hold him/her in my arms. But for now, I want to embrace what I am feeling and be honest with it. It's the best way for ME to deal with it.

The most annoying thing is that the above sources all feed off of one another. I always thought that the trade-off for giving up drinking/fun times would be the license to eat whatever I wanted. Not true.

For instance, on Wednesday, Josh and a friend came home early from work and were hanging out with a cocktail. I was annoyed, and Josh sensed it. OK. I can't drink. I get it. Fine. I will do it for the baby. This time period is really the only time when I-and only I-will be able to protect my baby (this feeds into my controlling nature--that comes from being the oldest of 4). Then, on Thursday, I was craving nothing but the frozen pizza with the alarming fat content that was sitting in our fridge. I flash to the pregnancy books I have been reading which advise (wisely, I suppose) that even though you are craving unhealthy food, what you are really craving are the nutrients in that food. The end game is that you should make a healthy choice that suits the craving (i.e. milk/yogurt rather than a gallon of ice cream). Next, I think over that day's menu: cereal (expelled thanks to baby), 1/2 English muffin, 3 pretzels, luna bar, McDonalds frappe, 3 chicken strips, and medium fries. No veggies or fruits today!! I'm thinking about the baby and the baby books/websites with a feeling that I really should be doing the best I can for the helpless thing in my belly who is forming his/her toes and fingers as we speak (this is just mental imagery, I don't know that it is really happening). I ate a salad.

But I think I might have that frozen pizza for lunch today. The cycle begins again.