Am I Ready for This?

The fateful day was July 8th, a normal Thursday summer afternoon. I had just finished babysitting and was feeling really exhausted. I chalked this up to how much work caring for two young children can be (let me pause here to praise all stay-at-home mothers/fathers who do this each and everyday. You rock!). Not wanting to be such an eager beaver about taking the most life-changing test anyone will ever take, I decided to put off my own "examination" until I just couldn't ignore the warning signs. Josh would be leaving for a long weekend away on Friday morning, and I knew that I would not have wanted to wait until Monday.

Here I go, all alone in our guest bathroom. I walked away to snuggle with our doggie, Piper, and to check on our new kitty, Petey. I had been so disappointed with the results of prior tests, so I played this mental game with myself: If I don't care about the results, if I put it off to the last minute, if I walk away and do my normal routine, then maybe the results (positive or negative) won't matter. This is a silly notion, though. Because I know that it is not these actions that will give the test those two lines. It is more of a self-defense mechanism. Anyone who has tried to get pregnant, whether they've tried for 1 month or 3 years, will understand why I did what I did.

Casually, I realize that 5 minutes had past and that I should return to the bathroom to check on the test. TWO LINES!! I cannot recall my exact thought process, but I am sure that it was a combination of a few emotions--85% giddyness, 5% reflief, 10% dread. Am I ready for this? I had imagined what this moment would be like many times over. Dread and anxiety was never part of the imaginary scenario. I suppose because it was just that imaginary, pretend. Now it is the real thing.

I am ready for this. I think I have to be, at this point. Right?